


Grub On Board

by swankysAssafrass



Category: Homestuck
Genre: M/M, Other, Post SBURB, Pregnancy, bebe's having bebe's, davekat - Freeform, redrom
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-02
Updated: 2013-07-29
Packaged: 2017-12-10 05:19:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 16,896
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/782270
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/swankysAssafrass/pseuds/swankysAssafrass
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Hey, there’s no need to apologize. These things happen.” You try and reassure him, but you can feel your eyebrows begin to crease with worry. This is the third morning in a row this has happened, and you’re beginning to feel like you’ve seen this before…</p><p>But no, that’s impossible.</p><p>“Urgh, what’s wrong with me??” Karkat groans from inside the toilet, and you swallow, your throat feeling dry.</p><p>You decide that it’s time to go pay your dear sister and her girlfriend a visit.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Date with the porcelain throne

**Author's Note:**

> So I’m scrolling through fuckyeahdavekarkat on tumblr and I come across this pic: http://ikimaru.tumblr.com/post/47808145421/he-just-wont-admit-it by ikimaru. It was like I got inspiration from the muses or something and I had to write this. Had to. So thanks ikimaru if you read this for the idea, hope you like it.
> 
> This story takes place post-sburb and they're 18.
> 
> Oh and I like the idea of trolls having ears that move like cats. Especially Karkat. Fuckin kawaii.
> 
> Yup.

  
_Date with the porcelain throne_   


“D-Dave-“

He moans your name as you push into him, and hell yes you want to hear that again. You want to hear an entire church choir sing it from the rafters, announcers to broadcast it during a Yankee game over the intercom. You want everyone to know that _you_ are the only one who can make him sound this desperate, and that he is _yours_.

“Stop daydreaming and fucking _move_ you grub-sucking nookwhiffing piece of- _shiittt~”_

You begin a slow pace, gently rocking into him, back and forth. He’s incredibly wet and warm, and even though this is the hundredth time you two have made love he’s still so damn _tight_. You open eyes you didn’t realize were closed and gaze down at him, taking in the sight that is Karkat as you make sweet, sweet love to him.

He’s on his back, pressed into the fluffy mattress with the sheets tangled around him. His hair is even more disheveled than usual from when you ran your hands through it, and small feathers cover his entire body from when he clawed the pillow, accidently ripping it open. He’s staring at you now through half-lidded eyes, the black pupils dilated with lust, ears flattened against the sides of his head in a sign of submission.

“Fuck Karkat-“ you say in a voice that is considerably more whiny and less suave than you intended.

You begin to quicken your thrusts, not being able to continue the slow torture anymore. Karkat gasps when you do, fisting his claws into the bedsheets, no doubt ripping those too. You could give a shit less though as you push into him, trying to hit that special spot that always makes him squirm with need and want. You know you’re successful when he cries out, arching his back like a cat. Without you noticing his bulge, which had been previously writhing on his stomach, sneaks down underneath where you’re connected and begins to gently caress your balls.

It only takes a few more thrusts and you’re gone off the deep end, emptying yourself within him as you bury your face in his sweaty neck. For the first time ever Karkat finishes at the same time you do, walls clenching around you as if milking your orgasm for all it’s worth.

You thrust a few more times before you still inside him, panting for breath against the sweaty grey skin of your lover. He sounds like he’s just run a marathon, panting as he clings onto your lower back, daring you to try and pull out of him. He’s weird like that you note. He likes the feeling of you inside of him even after you’ve finished having sex, muttering something about “feeling empty”. So you don’t immediately move.

After you’ve both regained your breath he wriggles underneath you, signaling that’s it okay to move and you pull out, rolling next to him. With a contented sigh you pull him flush against your chest and nestle your face into his hair, inhaling his musky scent. You feel the vibrations as he begins to purr, snuggling into your chest. The little bastard was super cuddly after sex, and you loved it.

“M’ tired…” he mumbles.

“Then go to sleep,” you chuckle.

“Kay…”

‘ _He’s just too cute sometimes,_ ’ you think as you drift off to sleep.

~*~

You wake up to the feeling of Karkat being wrenched from your side. The sudden movement and cold snaps you awake, and you sit up in a panic as you groggily make out Karkat’s form as he dashes for the bathroom. He makes it just in time too as you hear the sounds of his vomit making contact with the toilet, and you sigh. Grabbing your shades from the nightstand, you slip them on as you climb out of bed and pad over to the brightly lit bathroom.

Karkat is slumped on the floor, head hanging defeatedly over the porcelain bowl. You feel a pang of pity for him as you set to work wetting a washcloth with cold water. Kneeling down next to him you pull his hair out of the way and dab his forehead. He groans and leans into the coolness.

“I’m sorry.” He croaks.

“Hey, there’s no need to apologize. These things happen.” You try and reassure him, but you can feel your eyebrows begin to crease with worry. This is the third morning in a row this has happened, and you’re beginning to feel like you’ve seen this before…

 But no, that’s impossible.

“Urgh, what’s _wrong_ with me??” Karkat groans from inside the toilet and you swallow, your throat feeling dry.

You decide that it’s time to go pay your dear sister and her girlfriend a visit.


	2. Who doesn’t like AJ?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Creating a situation where a troll can become pregnant is hard. I’m betting some of you will want to analyze the specifics of how this can occur but you know what? It’s fanfiction, and I want a pregnant Karkat so I shall have one. Try and stop me ahaHahaAHAHAahahAha!

Who _doesn’t_ like AJ?

 “What would you like to drink, dear brother?”

“Apple juice.” You reply without hesitation.

Rose gives you a small smile. She’s probably already psychoanalyzing your childlike love for the substance as an adult, but you don’t give a flying fanny. Apple juice is the nectar of the gods, she can go suck wizard dong. But then again she’d probably like that…

“And what would you like Karkat?” asks Kanaya.

“Actually that sounds good. I think I’ll have some apple juice too.”

You all turn your heads at once to stare at him, which must have looked hilarious if anyone were watching.

“Dude, but you _hate_ apple juice.” You point out. “You even said once, and I quote: “ _no way in fucking hell will I ever sample some of that hoofbeast urine you pass off as a consumable liquid_.””

Karkat rolls his eyes.

“Well that doesn’t mean people aren’t allowed to change their minds asshole. Past me is an idiot anyway. Future me is more open minded and ready to drink some fucking apple juice already.”

With a graceful shrug Kanaya wanders off to the kitchen to get the beverages, but you don’t miss the significant look that she and Rose share before doing so.

“So, I’m assuming there’s a reason behind this unexpected, but still welcome, visit?” Rose asks. Damn, this girl doesn’t beat around the proverbial bush does she?

“Why do we have to have a reason? Can’t me and my lovely boyfriend decide to drop in for some juicy gossip without all the biddies getting their knickers in a twist? Lasses left and right tripping over their- mmphf.”

Your eloquent metaphor involving ladies’ undergarments is interrupted as Karkat slaps a palm over your mouth, efficiently silencing you.

“What my _lovely matesprit_ is trying to say is that yes, there is a reason why we came to you. EWW.” He says when you lick the hand covering your mouth, and he wipes it on your shirt in disgust. You don’t get why he’s so disgusted, your tongues been in places _way_ more interesting than his hand…

You hear Rose sigh across the room at the both of you.

“Well feel free to enlighten me. I’m nearly fading away in anticipation. Why thank you Kanaya.” She adds as Kanaya re-enters the parlor, bearing drinks on a silver platter and handing Rose a steaming cup of tea.

“It all started about three days ago,” you begin and glance over at Karkat. He’s looking at you grumpily, probably pissed that you have the freedom of speech again. You smirk at him, which seems to piss him off even more, but to show him you don’t want a fight you take his hand in yours. He blushes and turns away from you with a pout. So cute.

“Basically every morning since then Kitkat’s been spewing the multicolored rainbow.”

“Excuse me, the multicolored _what?_ ” questions Kanaya from her seat.

“He means to say that Karkat has been vomiting during the mornings for the past three days.” Rose summarizes. Kanaya’s mouth goes “O” in realization.

“Oh dear, my poor Karkat!” She moves to sit next to him on the other side of the sofa, pulling him to her for a crushing embrace. For a moment Karkat looks like he’s going to struggle, but with one well-placed pap Kanaya has her moirail sighing and leaning all of his weight against her in contentment.

“Have you not been feeling well lately?” She questions and begins to stroke his hair.

“Not really. I just wake up in the morning with my stomach churning and feeling like shit, then I run to the bathroom and puke. Then I’m fine for the rest of the day.”

“Bullshit you puked again that one time you didn’t eat breakfast.” You interject.

“Well _sorrrrry_ for letting that slip my mind.” He growls and Kanaya shooshes him back into an unruffled state.

“Actually small details like that can be very important in discerning a proper diagnosis.” Rose remarks from her armchair, and you note she looks isolated over there all by her lonesome when everyone else is having a feelings jam on the couch.

Karkat separates himself from Kanaya long enough to grab his apple juice from the coffee table, settling back into her arms to sip it contentedly. You hear a small gasp, and turn to see Rose staring between you and Karkat with a slightly shocked expression, one ladylike hand come up to cover her slightly open mouth. Then she locks eyes with you.

“David, you must have considered _one_ possibility for Karkat’s ailment already.”

Crap, she’s using your full name. You swallow.

“I have.”

“The morning sickness, the unexplained and sudden craving for something that he had no interest in before… has he been more emotional than usual lately?”

“I’M RIGHT FUCKING HERE.”

“Not more than usual.”

“SHOVE IT DAVE.”

“What are you implying Rose?” asks Kanaya, unconsciously playing auspistice.

“I’m implying that Karkat may be the equivalent of what we humans call _pregnant._ ”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dum. Dum. Daaaaaaaa.
> 
> Gah, I had to do research for this fic. About prego stuff. Let me tell you, shit is not pretty.
> 
> Yup.


	3. ==> BE THE PREGNANT GUY

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Karkles POV. Hold onto your seats for some thrilling EXPLANATION TIME. This time I had to do research on troll history, anatomy and lingo. So much research for this fic.
> 
> Promise there will be more smut- I mean love making later. Just you wait.

==> BE THE PREGNANT GUY

“I apologize for my ignorance, but what does being “pregnant” mean?” asks Kanaya. “It is not fatal, is it??” You feel her grip on you tighten in panic. Hell you’re slightly starting to panic yourself.

“Not usually.” Rose responds calmly, like it’s a fucking statement that should be said calmly.

“Dude, you’re freaking them out.” Dave says. You turn to look at him. He’s trying to look everywhere but you, but even though he’s wearing his shades you can tell that behind them his eyes are worried. If your matesprit is worried then you figure _you_ should be worried, so you allow yourself to finally feel a wave of panic.

“Do me a favor and save all of your psychic seer mysteriousness for later Rose, and tell me just what the hell is wrong with me.” You growl. She gives you a nearly invisible smirk, and if you weren’t dating a blank slate for a matesprit you probably wouldn’t have noticed.

“If you want me to put it bluntly, it means that you’re going to have a baby, or in more cultural friendly terms to avoid another cross-cultural misunderstanding, a wiggler.”

You freeze. Your entire body feels like it’s turned to stone. But that’s a good thing, you think, because you’re not ready to feel whatever weird ass emotions you sense are lurking inside you as soon as you unfreeze.

“But I mean, we don’t know this for sure yet right? We haven’t done any tests or whatever people do to check…” you hear Dave say beside you.

“It’s true at this point it’s still merely a well-educated guess…” Rose says, and you unstiffen somewhat, “…however I’m seventy percent sure this is the case. Since I’m guessing earth methods of testing won’t work in this particular situation, we’ll need more information about troll anatomy and history.” She turns her gaze to Kanaya.

“As someone who is educated in the ways of troll reproduction through raising a mother grub, I’m hoping you’ll help provide some of the information we need, Kanaya.”

You vaguely notice that Kanaya is blushing.

“I would not say I am _that_ well educated in the matter, but I will try my best to be of help.”

“Excellent.” Rose smiles, steepling her hands in front of her face. “The first thing I would like to know is if trolls have the reproductive organs necessary for growing a fetus inside of them?”

You don’t understand some of the words she’s using, but you get the gist of how gritty and personal it is.

“Umm let me see if I get this straight…” it seems you’re not the only one having difficulty understanding. “… you are wondering if trolls bodies can act like the mother grub and produce grubs without the aid of, pardon my language, buckets?” asks Kanaya.

“That’s exactly what I’m asking.”

You swallow. This is excruciatingly awkward. You never would have thought you’d be talking about sex things with your matesprits weird “sister” and your moirail. Kanaya seems to be deep in thought.

“It is very fuzzy, but I vaguely remember my Lusus telling me that there was not always a mother grub. As I have told you before, troll adults and children used to live together on the same planet. This was of course before the rebellions against the hemospectrum took place, and the Condensce banished all the adult trolls into outer space to conquer new planets. You see her goal was to ensure that trolls had as little contact with each other as possible to prevent future uprisings. That is why we troll children were raised by Lusii.”

Kanaya pauses to clear her throat and take a sip of her tea, making a face at its coldness before setting it back on the coffee table and continuing.

“If I had to guess, I would say that she also calculated the act of having children into her plan for authority. With the use of a mother grub the Condensce was able to produce endless grubs to build up her armies. There was no need for adult trolls to have children themselves, as that would have been a waste of valuable fighting time and would only create more bonds. As such the only thing required from the adult trolls was their genetic material, so they must have ceased breeding in the “traditional” sense. My guess is that even though we have not mated like that for sweeps, trolls today are still in possession of the parts needed to produce grubs independently of a mother grub.”

The room is dead silent when Kanaya finishes. You, surprise fucking surprise, are still unable to move. You’re still unsure how to react.

“Alright,” says Rose, breaking the silence. “Assuming Kanaya’s speculations are right and this is true, I need to ask a few more questions. I need you two to be completely honest with me.” She says, sending a stern look at you and Dave.

“Sure sis, fire away.” He tries to act composed but his accent is starting to leak through, revealing how nervous he is.

“First; have you two had intercourse?”

You and Dave wince in unison.

“Yes…” you both admit. Your face is probably the shade of Terezi’s glasses.

“Okay second, and this one is for you Dave; did you ejaculate inside of Karkat?”

You’re pretty sure you just bypassed “Terezi’s glasses” red and hit “Earth’s molten lava core” red. Could this situation get any more embarrassing?

“Like inside his troll vagina?”

You just had to fucking think that, didn’t you.

“Yes.”

“Well then yeah.”

“Alright then, I think it’s safe to assume that Karkat is indeed pregnant.” Rose declares.

You feel like you’re going to be sick. Oh wait, you actually _are_ going to be sick. You regain control over your body as you jump to your feet, sprinting for the bathroom. You make it just in time as you expel the contents of your protein disintegrater into the load gaper. It’s not long before you feel familiar hands running soothingly over your back.

“I’m dreaming, right?” You ask. Your lips feel numb.

“Nah man. Unless I’m having the same exact dream as you, this is really happening.”

You groan.

What a great fucking development.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We’re going to pretend that when the game ended Kanaya received a new matriorb (mother grub egg) as a prize to revive the troll race in the new world, since Eridan the douchemuffin destroyed the one she had in the game.
> 
> We’re also pretending that Kanaya and Karkat are moirails. Idk where Gamzee is. He’ll probably show up in a later chapter along with a lot of other favorites.
> 
> Oh and I made up the word “protein disintegrater” for a troll’s stomach. Seems like something they’d call it.
> 
> Yup.


	4. RAGE QUIT

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’ve got a vague sense of where this story is going, but other than that I’m just as clueless as to how the next chapter will turn out as you guys. Stories tend to take me where they will. I am at the mercy of the muses.
> 
> Still KK’s pov.

_RAGE QUIT_

“Well.” Is all Dave says when you close the door behind you, leaning against it for support.

You thought going home might lend you some comfort to help process the thoughts and emotions flooding your think pan, but you feel just as confused as when you left Rose and Kanaya’s hive.

You? Pregnant? Fuck you didn’t even know what the word even _meant_ until half an hour ago, how the hell were you supposed to process the fact that you were apparently now a walking example of what the word implied? And that out of all people, _Dave_ was the person to provide the other half of the genetic material to create the wiggler that was apparently inside of you?

This is all too sudden, too confusing, too _strange_. You have no idea how to approach this, so you do the one thing that you know you’re good at; you rage. Too bad Dave is the only creature in the vicinity for you to unleash your fury on.

Pfft who are you kidding, you don’t feel bad at all.

“THIS IS ALL YOUR FUCKING FAULT.” You growl as you descend on him, trying to appear as menacing as possible.

“Excuse me?” He says, taken aback.

“IF YOU HAD BEEN MORE CONSIDERATE OF MY CULTURE’S SEXUAL PRACTICES WE WOULD HAVE USED BUCKETS LIKE NORMAL PEOPLE AND NONE OF THIS WOULD BE HAPPENING. BUT NOOOOO DAVE STRIDER IS ABOVE THE USE OF PAILS AND THE NEED TO USE HIS THINK PAN TO CONSIDER THAT HIS ACTIONS MIGHT HAVE UNFAVORABLE CONSEQUENCES.”

“Whoa there Kitkat, let’s calm our tits and talk about this,” he says, raising his hands in surrender. That just makes you angrier, because you _want_ a fight right now.

“DON’T EVEN _START_ WITH YOUR SHITTY ASS NICKNAMES COMPARING ME TO CHEAP CAVITY INDUCING SWEETS. AND FOR THE LAST FUCKING TIME STOP TELLING ME TO CALM MY METAPHORICAL PECTORAL PROTRUSION SACS!”

Dave snickers. The douche actually has the _gall_ to laugh at you right now. You are fucking _beyond_ pissed. You launch yourself at his face, claws extended. In your anger you’re clumsy and he easily evades your attack, flash stepping behind you so fast that you have no time to react before he’s got you pinned on the floor, sitting on your thighs to hold you down while holding your hands above your head.

“LET ME GO.” You snarl from underneath him.

“Not until shouty Mc.Nub Horns leaves and I get my sweet Kitkat back.” He smirks at you.

This is so much better. This is normal. You know how to deal with being pissed off.

And then Dave’s smirk is gone, and in the light streaming in from the window you can see his eyes behind his shades as they flick down to look at your stomach for the briefest of seconds before meeting your gaze once more.

Something inside you goes to mush at this. All of your beloved anger has mysteriously vanished and been replaced by a compliant feeling and aching blood pusher. And (upon further inspection of your current position) you suddenly feel extremely _horny_.

Your breathing gets faster as your blood pusher speeds up, and you’re certain your face is starting to redden. The sun is setting and you can no longer see Dave’s eyes. Those damn shades. You huff in frustration.

“Karkat?” Dave asks. He’s using your real name, so he must be genuinely confused right now. You’re confused too, because you seem to have regressed into a wiggler and lost the ability to form words.

So instead you moan.

Loudly.

(You are going to _loathe_ past you when this is over.)

Dave is so surprised that he actually pulls back a foot. His eyes are probably as wide as saucers, but fuck if you know with those DAMN SHADES BLOCKING THE WAY.

“fucking… shades…” You pant out.

Thank Gog Dave seems to get the message and removes his shades, revealing his blood red eyes.

You hate his eyes. You hate that you love them so much, how they captivate you in their depths and you feel like you’re going to drown in Dave whenever he fixes you with his gaze. Especially when they’re filled with _lust_ , which is how they’re looking at you right now.

You groan.

You don’t know how it happens, but it takes all of twenty seconds for you to get naked and Dave to have his fly unzipped and his already hard cock out. He reaches for your bulge, but you smack his hand away.

“Fuck foreplay, get inside me. NOW.” You pant. This time it’s Dave’s turn to moan.

He grabs himself and positions himself at your entrance, and with one swift thrust he’s inside you to the hilt.

“ _Yessssss~_ ” you hiss at the feeling of being filled so suddenly.

Dave wastes no time and starts pumping into you fast. He may be an idiot but he sure does know how to fuck you the way you want. He lifts your hips for better access, and ends up hitting that sweet spot inside you. You shout, not caring if the neighbors hear you through the thin walls. Dave is gritting his teeth and sweating in exertion, and the sight makes you rake your nails down his clothed back, causing him to shiver and move even faster. You reach down and take hold of your bulge, and with the added stimulation it only takes a few strokes before your orgasm is plowing through you, causing you to arch your back in a way you’ll probably pay for later. A few more thrusts and Dave finishes too, and you feel his hot liquid emptying deep inside you.

For a few minutes you both lay there on the floor with Dave’s weight crushing you. After a while he finally rolls off and lies beside you.

“What. The hell. Was that.” He asks, still slightly out of breath.

“I have no fucking clue.” You reply honestly.

One minute you were fighting about having sex and the next you were having sloppy sex on the floor. If you didn’t know any better you’d think you just had blackrom intercourse.

“Welp, chillin here on the floor is nice and all, but I can think of a couple of other places I’d rather sleep.” Dave stands and without warning picks you up, one arm under your knees and the other beneath your shoulders, cradling you to his chest. You remember you’re the only one naked and shiver, cuddling into his shirt. Normally you wouldprotest, but your body feels like gelatin. Besides, Dave is the only one allowed to see you so vulnerable.

He gently lowers you onto the bed, tucking the fluffy down comforter around you for warmth. You listen as he shuffles around the room, changing into clean boxers and then sliding into bed next to you. He pulls you against him so you’re the little spoon. You feel his hand hesitate on your side, before he finally places one large palm across your stomach. Your blood pusher does a weird flip-flop.

“I’m scared Dave.” You whisper.

“I know.” He says kissing the top of your head. “Don’t worry. I’ll be there with you every step of the way.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Of course it led to makeup sex. Why didn't I see that coming?
> 
> I changed it back to stomach for now. Protein disintegrator would have ruined the mood.
> 
> I just got a couple new ideas. The rating is gonna go up on this.
> 
> Yup.


	5. ==> Be the cool not pregnant dude

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Unpack ALL the shit! But I don’t wanna, so I’m procrastinating and typing out this next chapter in a pile of random shit on my floor. If I had a friend over we could have a feelings jam in one of my many piles.
> 
> Dave’s POV again.

_== > Be the cool not pregnant dude_

You decide you _like_ Karkat’s mood swings.

Yeah it makes him bitchy at times (he usually is anyway) but that is a small downside compared to the fact that Karkat’s being pregnant also makes him extremely _horny_.

One minute he’ll be yelling at you and the next, he’ll be jumping your bones like a CEO on his slutty secretary the second he hangs up on his wife telling her “sorry honey I can’t make it home for our anniversary dinner because of the workload.”

So yeah, you don’t know what kind of funky hormones or pheromones or whatever his body is producing, but apparently they make him want to fuck you senseless. And, being the wonderful and oh so considerate boyfriend that you are, you lay back and take it like a man.

In fact you just finished performing your boyfriendly “duty” as you lean against the shower wall, panting for breath. Karkat finishes rinsing the strawberry shampoo from his hair and steps out of the shower, giving you a nice view of his ass. You swear the little buttmunch is swinging his hips more than usual, giving you a show before wrapping himself in a towel and heading out the door, probably to go make breakfast. You shake your head to try and clear it, and when that doesn’t work you reach over and crank the water to cold.

You still aren’t quite sure how to react to the fact that your troll boyfriend is pregnant with your child. Karkat’s been keeping you so preoccupied since the “hell yes sex on the living room floor” night that you haven’t had much time to really talk with him about it. You _did_ however squeeze in a quick pesterchum convo with Rose before a certain pesky troll began giving you a pants-less massage. It went something like this:

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] at 18:32 --

TG: hey rose

TG: rose

TG: hey

TG: ecto bro

TG: slime sista

TG: you gotta answer me quick before I get eaten by Kitkat again

TG: the laws of the universe are being reversed and now chocolate is eating man

\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 18:35 --

TT: Hello Dave. You sound a tad flustered; might I suggest you take a nice, calming breath to ease whatever has “ruffled your feathers” so to speak?

TG: as much as i hate to do this

TG: i need your advice

TT: It’s nice to know that my brother is loath to ask for my advice.

TT: I’m assuming it’s because you don’t want me “psychoanalyzing” you, so as your sister and friend I promise I will try to refrain from prying too far into your psyche so I can provide sound advice.

TG: thatd be great

TG: anyway

TG: back to the whole advice giving part

TT: You sound slightly distracted.

TG: yeah well i have a horny troll on my tail and im trying to give him the slip

TG: for now at least

TT: Oh?

TG: one minute hell be calm as week old blueberry jello

TG: next hell be ranting like ive personally gone and scratched every one of his lame romcoms

TG: then he goes straight from being a dick to jumping mine

TG: imagine all of that happening in a matter of seconds

TT: Sounds like someone’s having mood swings already.

TG: already

TG: is that a bad thing

TT: It seems a bit early for him to be having mood swings yet. How long have you two been sexually active again?

TG: god this is so embarrassing

TG: uh let me think

TG: like a year

TT: Hmm. That makes it hard to discern how far along he is.

TT: Because we are just beginning to notice symptoms, I’m assuming he didn’t actually conceive until a little while ago. Human females tend to exhibit mood swings six to ten weeks into their pregnancy. However Karkat seems to be experiencing these symptoms far earlier than that.

TT: Either this is a troll thing, or the gestation process is significantly increased.

TG: in english rose

TT: Pardon me, I got lost in my train of thought.

TT: What I’m saying is that it may take less than nine months for Karkat to have the baby.

TG: ...

TG: oh my god

TT: If you don’t mind my asking, have you guys sat down and had a serious talk yet?

TG: pshhh ah yeah of course

TT: ...

TG: and by that i mean no we havent

TG: ive been busy alright

TT: I’m assuming you’re referring to Karkat’s mood swings?

TG: dude you have no idea

TG: oh god

TT: What is it?

TG: I gottaa;ldsvn

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] at 18:54 --

TT: ?

Your shivering is what brings you back to the present. You turn the shower off and get out. While you’re drying your hair with a fluffy towel you decide it’s finally time to have “the talk” with Karkat. You’re not getting any younger, Karkat’s not getting any less pregnant, and you figure that he should be sexually satisfied for the time being. You slap on some baggy sweats and head towards the kitchen.

Just like you had predicted he’s in there whipping up one hell of a breakfast. With the way you two have been going at it like rabbits lately you’re surprised there’s any food left in the house. You lean against the doorframe as you watch him bustling around, wearing his silk pink bathrobe you got him for Christmas that says “Primadonna girl” bedazzled across the back. It was totally meant to be ironic, but he likes the feel of silk and doesn’t really give a shit about gender differences. You don’t complain, because he looks sexy as hell in it. The way his grey skin and black hair contrast with the hot pink, and the way the silk seems to glide across his hips…

Woah there nelly. You’re on a mission. Let’s not get distracted.

You scrape the chair when you turn it around and plop down in it to let him know you’re there. He glances back at you.

“How do you want your eggs?” He asks you, trying to sound grumpy. He’s in a pretty chipper mood so you see right through it.

“Over easy,” you answer and wiggle your eyebrows. He’s not amused.

“Only _you_ would try to make a sexual innuendo about an egg.”

“That’s why you love me babe.”

“As if.” He snorts, placing a plate of sausage in front of you.

“And if you so much as even _dare_ to comment on the sausage so help me I’ll throw all of this right down the garbage disposal.”

“Point taken.” You say and take a large bite of sausage. (Teehee.)

Welp. Here goes nothing.

“Hey Karkat… we need to talk.”

He pauses in the middle of cracking an egg into the frying pan.

“About what?” He asks.

“You know what.”

The egg is still suspended above the side of the frying pan, waiting to be cracked.

“I know this all happened suddenly, and we’re nowhere _near_ ready to be parents, so I just thought that… Karkat?”

You have just now realized that the egg in his hand is trembling violently, and so is his entire body as he stands with his back to you. You stand up and move towards him cautiously.

“Karkat?”

You hesitate touching him for a moment for fear he’ll lash out, but you quickly swallow it down as you touch his shoulder and turn him around.

You’re glad you did, because there are tears in his eyes and his face is wrought with so much sorrow your heart breaks open on sight.

“Oh my god no Karkat why please don’t look like that nonononono.”

You smother him to your chest and half hug/half carry him to the living room, where you proceed to throw any cushioned objects you can find into a large pile in the middle. Once you’ve done that you set your trembling boyfriend in the pile and cover him with another layer, diving in after him. You manage to worm close enough to have him put his head in your lap, and you stroke his hair soothingly with one hand while the other shoosh paps any other part of him it can find.

“Shhhhh it’s okay, it’s okay. Just take a minute to calm down, it’s alright.”

You spend around five minutes doing this, before the shaking stops and Karkat is once again breathing normally. You know that “talking” is what triggered this, but as much as you hate to you’re gonna have to talk to find out what the hell just happened.

“Karkat you gotta answer me, what was with that reaction?”

All you can see is the outline of the back of his head from the dim light filtering through all the crap on top of you. You wish you could see his face.

“You’re leaving me, aren’t you?” He whispers.

“What?” You must not be hearing clearly.

“I knew it was too good to be true. Someone as amazing as you wanting to be with me. It was only a matter of time before I screwed it up somehow. Now that I’m- I’m… _pregnant_ I understand that you want to leave. My freaky body is just too weird and I’m not worth trying to put up with anymore.”

You’re so shocked you register only about half of his little ramble.

_‘…before I screwed it up…’ ‘…too good to be true…’ ‘…freaky body…’_

Sometimes his tough act made you forget just how insecure and self-deprecating Karkat really was. You had left him alone with his thoughts for too long, and he had somehow convinced himself that he was now unappealing to the point that you would want to break up with him. You now realize why Karkat was trying to avoid having a talk.

“Why are you making this more difficult? Just leave me be already.” He says, lifting his head from your lap.

You lift his head up-

-and head-butt him right in the forehead.

“OW FUCK! WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT FOR?!”

“I’M KNOCKING SOME FUCKING SENSE INTO YOUR HEAD!” You yell right back, and he zips his lips fast. You _never_ raise your voice.

“Listen here: I’m not amazing. I’m just some poor schmuck who was lucky enough to have you fall in love with me. You didn’t screw _anything_ up. If anything it was my fault for not using a condom, or a bucket I guess. Your body is _not_ freaky; it’s beautiful and gorgeous and if you’d let me I’d photograph it and make it one of the most desired portraits in the city.”

Redness was creeping up his entire face during your little speech, and it was now blending with the giant red mark where your foreheads had collided.

“We have been through _way_ too much together to let a little thing like a baby or grub or whatever tear us apart. Get this straight; I love you. I’m not leaving you. And we’re going to be the most awesome parent’s ever.”

And there go the waterworks again. You hold him to your chest and let him get it all out of his system. You know he isn’t usually this emotional, so you chalk it up to the hormones. Your poor Kitkat.

He places a wet tear stained kiss to your lips.

“You _are_ amazing, just don’t let it go to your fucking head.”

“Wouldn’t dream of it.” You smirk. He swats you on the arm.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Geez 50 kudos already? Shucks guys you flatter me (︶ω︶) ~
> 
> Sorry this update took longer than the others. It’s longer so it took longer, and I’ve been busy.
> 
> What happened to the egg you ask? Karkat dropped it when Dave smothered him. There’s raw egg all over their kitchen floor.
> 
> Yup.


	6. WHAT DO ABLUTION TRAPS HAVE TO DO WITH WIGGLERS??

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Such rainy weather lately. If I can’t go outside, might as well write.
> 
> A couple of weeks have gone by since Dave and Karkat had “the talk”.
> 
> Karkitten’s pov.

WHAT DO ABLUTION TRAPS HAVE TO DO WITH WIGGLERS??

_Beep beep beep beep-_

“Fuck you.” You mumble groggily as you reach over and smash the top of the alarm. This only results in you turning on the radio in addition to the beeping, and the clock falls on the floor out of your reach.

“How can someone suck so bad so early in the morning?” Dave grumbles beside you, putting a pillow over his head to block out the sound.

 “You can suck my bulge.”

Not your best retort but hell, you just woke up.

You roll out of bed and pick up the alarm clock, ripping the chord from the wall because you don’t feel like fucking with the buttons. You then proceed to blearily choose an outfit from the closet. It’s the beginning of summer, but you choose a black turtleneck and grey jeans anyway. People stare at you funny but screw them, the place where you work likes to crank up the AC like they’re warding off the flames of hell. You swear that one day they’ll succeed in freezing your ass to your seat so you can never leave.

The place that you work is Barnes and Noble. Basically you sit on your ass behind the customer service counter all day and read trashy romance novels. It’s fucking fantastic. No one really bothers you that often, and when they do you usually just wave them in the general direction of the genre they’re looking for. You’re also in charge of selling these e-readers called “nooks”, which is disgusting. What the fuck were those humans thinking naming a device after a sexual reproductive organ? Culturally insensitive bastards. It’s their fault you have to spend an entire shift basically surrounded by porn advertisements.

It’s not like you and Dave really need the money, so you aren’t afraid of being fired for being too irritated with customers. When you had won the game everyone was rewarded with more than enough money to sustain them for the rest of their lives. But lounging around and doing nothing got boring after a while, and the majority of you had found jobs that correlated with your interests in order to pass the time.

You glance at the clock; it’s 8:30. That gives you half an hour to get ready and walk the short distance to the store a couple of blocks away. You go to the sink and splash cold water on your face to drive the grogginess away. While you’re busy washing your face Dave wanders in (still half asleep), prepares his toothbrush, and wanders back out again. You snort. He was out late DJ-ing, which is his part-time job, and didn’t get back until three in the morning. You’d tell him to get his ass back in bed, but you know the minute you leave he’ll start napping on the sofa so you leave him be.

You’re beginning to think that this might be a good day; you got a relatively good night’s rest, Dave’s awake to see you off, and you’ve got a new Nicholas Sparks novel to immerse yourself in.

That is, until you try getting dressed.

The boxers go on fine and so does the sweater, but then you’re screwed because your pants won’t button.

You had noticed your pants seemed to be getting tight lately, but you had passed it off as a slight weight gain due to all the after-sex munchie sprees you’ve been having. But now even when sucking it in you still can’t make the button reach the hole. You lift up your sweater and growl at your predicament.

“Karkles…” you hear from the doorway to the bathroom. You look up to see Dave standing there, toothbrush hanging from his mouth.

“You’ve got a baby bump.”

Oh. Well fuck, aren’t you an idiot for not figuring that out for yourself.

 You’re not prepared for when he rushes over and kneels in front of you, touching the bump that’s preventing you from sealing your pants.

“Rose said it would be faster, but showing only a month in? Dang this kid must be jacked up on Adderall or something.”

He’s grinning like an idiot, and his attentions are making you blush.

“It’s going to be _noticeable??_ How big is this thing even going to get??”

“Well yeah it’ll be noticeable. It needs room to grow, and since you’re so tiny the only way to grow is out babe. And that reminds me, we gotta tell the others about this soon.”

You frown. You had hoped you could keep it a secret from everyone for as long as possible, but it’ll be impossible now. Dave’s still rubbing your abdomen, and as reluctant as you are to admit it, it does feel sort of nice.

“Yes this is all fine and dandy, but can you stop being a slap happy fool for a minute and lend me a hand? I’ve got fifteen minutes to get to work and no pants.”

“Hmm since my hips are wider you’ll probably fit in a pair of mine. We might have to roll up the pant legs though…” he says and strides off to get them. Thank fucking gog he stopped wearing those abominations called “skinny jeans” a while ago, otherwise you would have been royally screwed.

As predicted they fit fine on your hips, but Dave’s legs are considerably longer than yours, and you have to roll up the bottoms.

“I look like a wiggler playing dress up.”

“I think you look great in my pants.”

“…it’s too early for this shit.”

You grab your lunch to leave, but Dave turns you around and gives you a passionate kiss before letting you go with a smirk.

“I packed some apple juice in your lunch. Have fun at work~”

If you weren’t so punctual you’d consider ravishing him on the kitchen floor and being late. But you are, so instead you lick the shell of his ear and purr;

“Don’t miss me too much,”

before grabbing your keys and sashaying out the door, leaving a stunned Dave behind. It’s been easier to knock him off guard lately. You love these random bouts of confidence you keep getting. Perhaps today will be a good day after all.

~*~

After work is over you grab dinner and head home. You groan at the eight flights of stairs you have to traverse to get to your apartment. Damn the landlord for not calling to get the elevator fixed. You fucking hate exercise. (Besides strifing with your matesprit of course.)

You’re panting by the time you get to the top. You stand outside to catch your breath so Dave doesn’t see how out of shape you are. The door is unlocked when you open it.

“I’m back! I picked up Chinese food because I’m tired, it’s hot and I don’t feel like cooking for your lazy ass-“

You stop in the middle of putting the take-out containers on the table when you notice you have a guest.

“Hi Karkat! How was work?” John asks from the couch, where he and Dave are playing Super Smash Bros.

“Hello Egbert. It was tedious, freezing, and none of your business. Now get over here and eat this shit before it gets cold fuckasses, otherwise I’ll change my mind and eat all of this myself.”

“Yes mom,” they both say teasingly.

Dave pauses the game and they eagerly jump over the couch and start devouring everything they can get their grubby hands on. They don’t touch your special tofu and veggies though, (you’d rip them a new waste chute if they did).

“By the way, what’s with the weird outfit Karkat?” Says John through a mouthful of meat. You choke on your tofu.

“Do you have a problem with the way I dress Egbert? Do I have to call you every morning before I dare choose out an outfit to get your express consent to wear a particular ensemble that day?”

You’re aware that you’re rambling, but you don’t want him to find out why exactly you’re wearing Dave’s pants.

“Pffft gosh you’re so uptight sometimes. I’m just wondering about your clothes. Those pants seem a little big on you.” He says while pointing to them with a pair of chopsticks.

“That’s because they’re mine.” Dave says and slurps up some more noodles.

You want to strangle him.

“What are you doing wearing Dave’s pants??” John asks, cocking his head like a confused young barkbeast.

“BECAUSE ALL MY PANTS ARE DIRTY.”

“Dude why can’t we just tell him the truth? He’s gonna find out eventually.”

“NO FUCK YOU.”

“What am I going to find out eventually?”

“EVERYONE JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP!” You yell and stand up.

“Are you gaining weight? Is that it?” John asks and wiggles his eyebrows at you.

“NO YOU IGNORANT ASSWIPE I’M NOT GETTING FAT I’M PREGNANT!!!”

Oops.

Shit.

You didn’t think it was even possible for John’s large doe eyes to get any larger than they already were, but they just did. Meanwhile Dave’s sitting there beside him wearing a smug-ass smile. Gog damn bastard.

“You’re _what?_ ”

“Fuck I didn’t mean to say that.”

“Is that true Dave?” John asks turning to Dave.

“As true as the fact that Morgan Freeman is a damn gifted narrator.”

“That’s pretty true.”

“I’m surrounded by morons.” You groan in embarrassment and hide your face in your arms.

“Why didn’t you guys tell me sooner?? How is this even possible? Wait, on second thought I don’t wanna know the mechanics. Does anyone else know?”

“Just Rose and Kanaya,” answers Dave.

“Oh well then I’m the third. Guess it’s better than being the last to know!” he grins. “Why didn’t you want me to know so badly?” You wince at the slight hurt in his voice.

“Well we didn’t exactly _plan_ for this to happen. It was kind of a fuckup on both our parts.” You say.

“Ah well who cares, it’s in the past now. No sense in lingering, you should be excited now! I know I am!”

“John you’re always excited.”

“Hehe.”

“Well promise you won’t breathe a word of this to anybody, got it?? I want to tell everyone when I’m good and fucking ready to tell them.” You say and push a finger into John’s chest. He puts his hands up in surrender.

“Okay okay I won’t tell anybody! You won’t hear any secrets coming out of these zipped lips!”

“Good now zip your lips and eat your dinner.” You grumble.

~*~

Of course everyone knows the very next day.

“I’M GOING TO FUCKING MURDER THAT USELESS PIECE OF EXCREMENT!!!” you yell as Dave holds you back.

“Calm down man, what’s done is done. At least he didn’t tell _everyone_. He said he only told Vriska, who probably said something to Tavros, who probably said something to Gamzee, and it just spiraled into a game of telephone.”

“HE SAID HE WOULDN’T TELL _ANYBODY_ THOUGH, AND LAST TIME I CHECKED VRISKA IS FUCKING SOMEBODY.”

You both glance over when your laptop makes yet another noise, alerting you to more incoming messages. You deflate in defeat in Dave’s arms.

“Who is it this time??” You sigh.

You wander over to your laptop on the bed. You cringe at all the messages you haven’t attempted to answer yet. The newest one that popped up on top is blinking, displaying a familiar bright green text.

\-- gardenGnostic [GG] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] at 11:24 --

GG: congrats Karkat! I just got the good news from Fef!

GG: you and Dave are going to be wonderful parents, I just know it :)

GG: anyway I know it’s still soon and all, but me and Fef have started planning something. it’s gonna be great!

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling gardenGnostic [GG] at 11:26 --

CG: OH DEAR GOD HELP ME.

CG: WHENEVER YOU AND THAT CRAZY FISH COMBINE THE DANGEROUS CONTENTS OF YOUR THINK PANS TOGETHER THE END RESULTS ALWAYS CONSIST OF SICKENING AMOUNTS OF RAINBOWS AND GLITTER.

GG: awww come on Karkat, don’t be like that!

GG: aren’t you just a tiny bit curious about what we’ve got planned?

CG: NOPE.

CG: YOU CAN TAKE WHATEVER PLANS YOU HAVE AND SHIP THEM RIGHT THE FUCK BACK TO WHATEVER CRAZY TOWN THEY WERE SHIPPED IN FROM. I’M SO UTTERLY UNCURIOUS ABOUT THESE PLANS THAT I’M ABOUT TO GO LIVE IN A CAVE CUT OFF FROM ALL SOURCES OF COMMUNICATION SO YOU ARE UNABLE TO RELAY ANY PARTS OF THE PLAN TO ME.

GG: oh will you just cool it mr. shouty pants?

GG: i know you don’t like attention but you’re gonna suck it up and receive it anyway!

GG: me and Fef are planning the most awesome baby shower for you and you’re gonna like it!

CG: WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN.

GG: teehee woops I forgot I had to explain this to Fef too.

GG: we’re going to throw you a party to celebrate the baby! or wiggler as you guys call them :)

Oh. You weren’t expecting that.

CG: ...

CG: EARTH CUSTOMS ARE WEIRD.

GG: so you’ll come??

CG: WELL NO MATTER WHAT I FUCKING SAY YOU DIDN’T LEAVE ME MUCH CHOICE IN THE MATTER DID YOU? YOU BASICALLY DEMANDED MY ASS TO BE THERE. PLUS I’M HOPING THAT IF I INDULGE YOU TWO YOU’LL GET BORED AND MOVE YOUR SIGHTS ONTO SOME OTHER UNSUSPECTING PREY BEFORE IT EVER HAPPENS.

GG: that won’t happen silly :P We’ve already set a date and everything!

CG: GOD HELP ME.

GG: well I gotta go Fef is pestering me, probably about more party plans.

GG: congrats again! bye Karkat!

\-- gardenGnostic [GG] ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] at 11:47 –-

“Looks like we’re going to a baby shower,” says Dave from your shoulder, where he’s been resting his chin and reading your conversation with Jade.

“Maybe you are, but I’m dressing John up to look like me and forcing him to go instead.”

 “Of course you will babe.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love a motherly Karkat. He acts all tough but he loves to fuss over the boys.
> 
> If this fic in any way inspires a fanart by some miraculous miracle, don’t be afraid to send it to me. I’ll make an honorable mention of it in upcoming chapters so others can see it. If it’s awesome enough I may even go back and include it in the story itself for others to admire. I just love fanart.
> 
> Yup.


	7. ==> let’s play house

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gomen about the past however long without an update. Being busy, plus getting addicted to the anime Attack on Titan hasn’t really helped I suppose. But now I have forcefully removed myself from internet access to write this, so you’re welcome.
> 
> Dave’s pov.
> 
> Yup.

_== > let’s play house_

You watch as he yawns, sharp canines glistening in the dim light before his mouth closes and you’re staring into his slightly watery red eyes. One hand rests behind your head while the other gently caresses the soft skin of his back underneath the sheet.

“We gotta get out of bed.” You remind him, giving him a quick kiss.

“Never.” He growls snuggling closer into you. You smile.

“Hey, I promised I’d buy you your friggin green tea ice cream afterwards. What my baby wants, my baby gets.”

“Damn straight,” he mumbles while disentangling himself from you.

“I don’t even know where we’re going to find green tea ice cream though dude. Do they even make that flavor? God you have the craziest cravings I swear.”

“It’s not like it’s my choice,” he grumbles, absentmindedly putting a hand on his stomach as he stands and stretches. You can’t help but notice how big he’s gotten in only two months, and appreciate how he seems to have more meat on his bones than ever before. Silently you get out of bed and snake your arms around his waist, kissing his neck.

“Oh no you don’t, not again. We’re getting my fucking ice cream.”

“I’m just simply enjoying the sight of my beautiful boyfriend.”

“Why do you keep saying that? You never called me beautiful before now,” he remarks, looking back at you suspiciously.

“What can I say? Pregnancy suits you well.” You answer, giving him a chaste kiss that leaves him blushing.

“Oh god. Is this like a newfound kink of yours? Should I be worried?”

“Oh yeah, I want you pregnant barefoot and in my kitchen,” you smirk teasingly, and he pushes you away with a snort.

“Put on some pants, we’re going to the store.”

~*~

“Why are we going this way?” He asks from the passenger’s seat. You can’t help but inwardly laugh at the fact that he won’t let go of the bag which holds his green tea ice cream.

“We’re in no rush to be home right? I thought we might take a little drive, maybe stop by and say howdy to Jade and Jane.” God you’re so smooth. There’s like a zero percent chance that Karkat will catch on that you’re lying.

He narrows his eyes at you.

“Since when do we ever make an attempt to visit people of our own volition without being coerced into it against our will?”

Damn, good question.

“Let’s start today. You know I feel like I haven’t seen Jade in forever, and I kind of miss her and her adorkable face.” You say. You hope that playing the “missing old friends” card will work, and it seems to do the trick because Karkat shrugs and pops his ice cream open, using a claw to scoop a bit of ice cream into his mouth.

In a few minutes you’re parking in the driveway of Jade and Jane’s house.

“I feel like a bum.” Karkat says as you guys near the door.

“Don’t worry, yoga pants and baggy t-shirts are all the rage this season.” You say as you rap loudly on the door. It flings open and-

“SURPRISE!!!” everyone shouts in your faces. Karkat’s gone into some defensive crouch in front of you, and you’re trying not to laugh out loud. You watch as his ears perk up and his eyes widen in realization.

“Oh no. I totally forgot about this.”

“Well don’t just stand there, get the glub in here and greet all the guests silly!” Says Feferi as she and Jade each grab one of Karkat’s arms and usher him inside. You enter at a more leisurely pace, strolling behind them as they make their rounds.

“Hey Dave!”

You turn to see John walking up to you, grinning widely.

“What are you doing here Egbert? I thought this was like a girl’s only party or something.” You say.

“Well since most of the trolls are hermaphrodites, Jade and Fef just decided to invite everyone. So Dirk and Jake are here too!”

“Nice. Maybe later we can all go out onto the veranda and smoke cigars like fine sirs.”

“Uh why would we do that?”

“I don’t know, isn’t that what men do during baby related events?”

“I have no idea.”

“Congratulations _cool kid_.” You hear and turn to see Terezi slinking up to you, hitting people with her cane to make way.

“Thanks TZ. Am I gonna have to confiscate your walking stick? You just pissed off like five people.”

“Well being blind means I get to wave a stick around hazardously, so I’m going to take full advantage of that. Besides, when did you start caring about pissing people off?”

“Haha you’re right I don’t give a shit.”

You’re rewarded with a needle sharp grin.

“So how has Karkles been?” She asks.

“Oh you know the usual. Raging about everything, waving his sickles around like flyswatters, and still managing to be as non-threatening as a butterfly that got stuck on a marshmallow.”

“Sounds accurate.” She nods.

“Oh there’s Vriska! I’m gonna go say hi.” says John, leaving you alone with Terezi. When you turn your head back in her direction she’s standing on her tiptoes with her face merely inches from yours. It takes all of your cool kid faculties to keep from flinching.

“I know I gave you this speech when you two first started dating _Dave,_ but if you’re not careful with my precious little Karkles I _will_ find you and bring you to justice.” She purrs, which to you sounds like a rake being dragged across cement. An involuntary shudder runs down your back. Even though you’re tight as skinny jeans, you forget how scary Terezi can be sometimes.

“Don’t worry Rez, I’ve got Karkitten on a tight leash and I’m never letting go.”

She eyes you doubtfully.

“But seriously, he kinda means the world to me. So if I let anything happen to him I’d only be hurting myself.” You say scratching the back of your head awkwardly. This time she gives you a genuine smile.

“The jury has come to a verdict! They say they guess you’re worthy of being Karkle’s matesprit after all.”

“Do I really need your approval?” You ask teasingly, raising an eyebrow. She pokes you playfully (or more like stabs) you with her elbow.

“Even if I didn’t approve, if you’d let me lick your eyes I’d gladly let you have him.”

“Welp, that would be about where I draw the line.” You remark, turning about face and leaving a cackling Terezi behind.

~*~

The baby shower turns out to be less of a snoozefest than you expected it to be. The bakery messed up Jade’s cake order and instead of a rattle shaped cake, you got a bachelorette party’s penis shaped cake instead. You got an elbow to the ribs from Karkat when you made a remark about how it was still pretty applicable to the situation. Somehow Roxy ended up getting Eridan of all people drunk, and when you and Karkat were opening everyone’s gifts he jumped up onto snack table and started stripping. Feferi ended up having to drag him home early, but the damage was already done and you will never, ever un-see what you saw this day.

It’s getting dark outside when you next look out the window, and you decide it’s about time to go home. When you find Karkat he’s half asleep on the sofa with Gamzee beside him high as a kite, massaging his baby bump and murmuring something about, “motherfucking miracles.”

“Sorry to interrupt this touching yet slightly creepy moment between you two, but I think it’s about time Kitkat went home.” You say, getting Karkat to wake and stand up.

“No problem motherfucker. Get some sweet shuteye Karbro.”

“Thanks Gamzee.” mumbles Karkat, patting him absentmindedly on the head. The guy absolutely beams.

“Aww, you two are leaving already?” Jade asks from the kitchen, where what’s left of the party are drinking coffee around the table.

“Yeah this guy’s pretty tuckered out.”

“Don’t speak on other people’s behalf asshole.” He grumbles. You suppress a chuckle.

“Well alright then.” She pouts. “Don’t worry about the gifts, I’ll drop them off tomorrow at your place when I go by for work.”

“That’d be swell darlin’.” You drawl with a wink. “Bye and thanks everyone.”

“BYE!!” everyone shouts as you steer a groggy Karkat out the door.

~*~

“C’mon wake up. We’re back home.” You say, trying to rouse a sleeping Karkat. He grumbles and turns away from you.

“Gasp, is that Troll Will Smith?”

He sits up with a start, banging his head on the ceiling with a loud “FUCK!!”

“Hehe works every time.”

You’re rewarded with a smack to the arm.

“We home already?” he asks, rubbing his eyes while getting out.

“Yup. You gonna be able to make it?” you ask warily as he sways on his feet.

“Just a little light headed is all…” he murmurs. He takes a step forward and almost stumbles, but you catch him with an outstretched arm.

“Yokay, piggy back time.”

“What?!”

“C’mere, get on my back and I’ll take you up the stairs. Damn elevator’s still broken remember? And I don’t want you falling down the stairs. Remember what I told you about-“

“Yes yes watch out for the stairs _bro_ ,” he interrupts, but he’s blushing like mad. “Alright, but don’t fucking drop me.”

“Wouldn’t dream of it Kitkat.”

You bend down as he climbs onto your back, and you note he has a sign on his back that says:

“GRUB ON B04RD”

with an angry looking little red grub with nubby horns drawn on it. You stifle a laugh.

“Alley oop,” you say and rise, Karkat clinging to your neck. His warmth feels nice against the chilly night air, even though he’s not exactly pressed tight against you due to the baby bump pressing against your back. This makes you strengthen your grip on his thighs, resolving to go extra slow up the eight flights of stairs to your apartment.

“This is fucking ridiculous.” Karkat murmurs after two flights.

“What is?”

“Having to climb all these stairs every damn day.”

“Hmm I don’t really mind.”

“Yeah but… forget it.” He hesitates.

“No, what were you gonna say?”

“Well… I was just thinking that it would kind of be hard for the wiggler to go up and down…”

You can almost feel his body temperature rise with his blush. You pause on the fourth flight.

“Wow you’re right. I hadn’t even thought about it. Wanna buy a house?” you ask.

“Wh-what??”

“Ya know, whip out some of those boondollars we got gathering dust at the bank and buy ourselves a big boy home. We could play house and you and the kid could greet me when I got done bringing home the bacon, and you could make me waffles in the mythical naked apron-“

“I GET THE PICTURE.”

“Aww and just when I was getting to the good part.”

“Keep your dirty kinks to yourself.”

“So are we doing it? The house I mean.”

“Sure, why not? Let’s buy a hive and live close to the ground like normal people.”

“Awesome.” You say with a grin. “Seriously though, naked apron.”

“PUT ME DOWN.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now I’m craving green tea ice cream. I feel like no store relatively close to me will sell it. Le sigh, this is my life.
> 
> Yup.


	8. ==> operation: make karkles swoon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I kept starting this chapter. Then deleting it. I wasn’t satisfied with it til now. Sorry it took so long.
> 
> What? It took a month to update? That’s crazy it was so not that lo- oh. It was. Well shit.
> 
> Still Dave’s pov.  
> Yup.

_== > operation: make karkles swoon_

“I still can’t believe we bought this place.” You say as you drop the heavy box you’re carrying with a thud. Karkat slumps onto the sofa, probably to relieve the aching in his feet.

“Be careful with that, there’s fragile shit in there.” He chides you while eyeing the box you just set down.

“First thing I’m gonna do is paint it red.” You muse.

“NO. We’re not going to stick out like a sore appendage; we’re going to attempt to blend in and be normal.”

“Awww where’s the fun in that? And besides we’re already off to a pretty abnormal start with me being so goddamn attractive and you being a prego troll and all.” you tease as you join him on the sofa, propping your feet on the coffee table.

“Well can we at least _try_ to be a normal… what did you call it again? Family?” he says as he nudges your feet off the table. “You’re going to be the stereotypical “father”, I will be the stereotypical “mother”, and this grub will be swimming in the normality that we secrete.”

“Ew gross man.” You say but throw your arm around him. He sighs and leans into you.

“It’s only been 3 months and my patience is already running out with this thing.” He grumbles at his belly, not coming off as very angry at all. You swear he is ready to pop any day now, and even though you never show it you are anxious as hell. Whenever the guy so much as makes a noise that is slightly out of the norm you’re on him within seconds, making sure he’s okay. He’s noticed your increased clinginess, but doesn’t seem to mind all that much. His nerves are probably just as frayed as yours. Probably even more so because he’s Karkat.

“You? Run out of patience? Preposterous.” He pushes you off the couch.

“I’m thirsty. Make yourself useful and go get me some margherita mix.”

“Again; weirdest. cravings. ever.”

“Make it the sour apple kind!!” he shouts after you as you head into the kitchen. As soon as the kitchen’s swinging door shuts behind you, you grin.

“Time to start operation “make Kitkat melt.”

~*~

You’re putting the final touches on the table when Karkat bursts through the kitchen’s swinging doors grumbling,

“What the ever loving fuck are you doing? I asked you for a drink ten minutes ago-“

He stops midsentence when his eyes take in the sight before him.

You had taken it upon yourself to set up a cheesy as hell, cliché and romantic as fuck candlelit dinner for Karkat. Out of one of the many boxes littering the house you’d found a red tablecloth (you didn’t even know you owned) and spread it on the table. For the centerpiece you’d taken a large plastic cup and filled it with roses you had “borrowed” from the neighbor’s garden (he probably wouldn’t mind), and two steaming hot plates of fettuccini alfredo sat before each seat. When he had walked in you had just finished lighting the last candle, and the numerous others flickered around the room as the wind from Karkat’s entrance jostled them.

“Uh, surprise.” You say.

“Dave.” Is all he says in a breathless whisper.

“Yeah, well I know how you like this corny stuff. I thought that I’d take you out on a date cuz it might be one of our last we ever have alone before the kid comes. But since neither of us really likes going out in public, I thought dinner at home might be kinda nice-“

“Stop your blathering you’re ruining it,” he says as he marches up to you and silences you with a kiss. You don’t object one bit as you wrap your arms around him and pull him close, reveling in the love and gratitude he’s trying to convey through his lips.

“Thank you. This is wonderful.” He says when you pull apart, blushing from the kiss and probably from having to admit you did something awesome.

“Come on, sit down and try out my expert culinary skills.”

You watch expectantly as he twirls a bit of alfredo around his fork and puts it in his mouth. His eyes widen.

“You did not make this.”

“Of course I did.”

“Bullshit. I’m calling your bluff. Who made this? Jane? Kanaya?”

Dammit.

“Alright Rose made it. But I heated it up in the microwave like a pro.”

“If I find a cold spot you’re never going to live that comment down.” He smirks, taking another bite.

“I’ve got all of the mad microwaving skills. I’m practically an expert after years of living off instant mac n’ cheese and hot pockets. Shit’s never cold as ice on the inside and burnt as fuck on the outside when this guy’s cookin’.”

And so the dinner goes by with the usual banter between the two of you. When you have both eaten your fill and Karkat is leaning back contentedly in his chair, you reach under the table and bring out what you consider to be your best surprise yet.

“Are you ready for dessert?” You ask as you wave the package at him.

“What is that?”

“Why don’t you open it up and see?” You suggest as you waggle your eyebrows at him.

“I swear if it’s that goddamn naked apron…” he warns but he’s already unwrapping the present. He gasps when he sees what’s inside.

“You don’t own Hitch yet right? You just have that grainy as fuck pirated version on your laptop. I thought I’d buy you the actual thing. It has bonus scenes and special feature stuff.”

He takes the DVD and clutches it to his chest.

“I fucking love this movie.”

“Dude I know. S’why I bought it.”

“I fucking hate you so much right now.” He says in a wobbly tone.

“Hey, are you crying??”

“Why do you make me feel so much?!”

“Dude what are you even talking about. Calm down.” You tell him.

“If I was any happier my blood pusher would spontaneously combust!!” He says, glaring at you with slightly watery eyes.

Ouch. Your poor heart. It couldn’t take this much tsunedere cuteness all at once.

“So you like everything?”

“Yes you insufferable asshole, this was a perfect evening.”

You sigh in relief.

“Wanna go watch the movie?” You ask him. He gives you a glance you’re not entirely sure how to interpret.

“Later.” He says, setting the DVD down.

“Um, why?” you ask but he doesn’t answer, just takes your hands and starts leading you down the hallway towards your new bedroom… oh.

OHHHHH.

Fuck yeah.

You’re hardly inside the doorway before you’re connected once more, kissing slow but deep. When he opens his mouth to make a small moan you take the opportunity to slide your tongue into his mouth, careful not to cut your tongue on his teeth. As your tongues do a sensual dance around each other you slide your hands underneath his shirt, caressing his back in soothing circles. He groans into the kiss in response, sliding his own hands underneath your shirt to run them over your chest.

“Take your shirt off.” He demands when you part for air.

“Yes ma’am.” You say and take it off without hesitation. You notice the hungry look in his eyes as he takes in the sight of you. Leaning in you give a nip to his jaw and he shivers against you. Without him noticing your hands sneak through his hair and start massaging his horns, and he gasps aloud at the sensation, almost turning to pudding at your ministrations. He pushes your chest weakly and you get the hint, relenting a little as you release his horns, settling for tonguing his neck softly instead. He’s panting heavily.

“Bed. Now.” He says, pushing you in the general direction of it. You’re glad you had the foresight to set it up earlier, otherwise you’d be doing it on the floor. Not that floors aren’t great, but beds are more romantic. And less painful.

You’d normally be laughing at his straightforward bossiness, but you’re way too turned on at the moment to find the situation funny. If anything his tone of authority is just making you hotter. You grab his face to continue making out as you guide the both of you towards the bed. Before you know it the backs of your knees are hitting the bedframe, and you swing Karkat around to lay him down on the bed, never letting go of his lips for a second.

Eventually you need air, and you pull back. Karkat’s a panting mess beneath you as you lean above him, your arms holding yourself up on either side of him and one leg between his. Without warning you slide your jean-clad leg to press between his thighs, and he lets out a gasp which is quickly followed by a loud moan. He squirms involuntarily, asking with his body for more friction. You don’t give it to him, not just yet, because you’re too busy getting him naked. His shirt and pants disappear somewhere into the dark room, and you’re greeted with the sight of your pregnant boyfriend clad only in thresh prince boxers.

“You’re fuckin’ perfect.” You drawl into his ear, your accent slipping out unbidden in your lust. He shudders underneath you.

“Shut up and take off your pants.” He huffs. You happily comply.

As soon as you’re done you begin gently palming him through his boxers. You can already feel his wetness, revealing just how aroused he is. He groans and pushes up against your hand, snaking his arms up to grasp your shoulders in a tight grip.

“Urgh, I need _more_. Quit this insufferable teasing already Strider and do something about it!”

When he regresses to calling you by your last name you know his patience is wearing thin. You remove your hand and grab the hem of his boxers, pulling them down slowly to reveal his already unsheathed bulge and dripping wet nook. You gulp as you toss the underwear behind you, still mystified by the sight no matter how many times you see it. Your boxers quickly join his on the floor.

Just as you're about to push yourself into the welcoming heat of his folds, his hand on the center of your chest halts you.

“Wait. I want to try something.” He says. You’re not really in the mood to “try something” (being seconds away from entering him), but he’s giving you such a bashful look that you can’t help but groan and submit to whatever he wants.

“You’re gonna be the death of me I swear.” You grumble as he pushes you back. You flop down on the bed beside him, and with surprise notice he follows, getting up to straddle your waist with his legs. Oh.

“You want to try topping??” you ask incredulously. It would be the first time he’s ever done that. His nook drips a little on your chest and you bite your lip.

“I thought it might be more comfortable this way, for us _and_ the grub.” He says with an almighty blush.

“Go right ahead baby, I am doing anything _but_ complaining down here. The view’s spectacular. Next time you want to try something new I’m all for it. Best ideas.”

“God _shut up_.” He says as he takes your dick in his hand, guiding it to his entrance. With a moan you're finally inside him as he sinks down on top of you, until both your hips are flush against each other. He moves a little bit experimentally on top of you, and the friction makes you thrust involuntarily into him.

“Ah! It’s so _deep_.” He moans on top of you. He lifts himself up a little and lowers himself back down slowly. The slow pace is like torture; you’d like nothing more than to flip him over and go at your own speed (aka bucking bronco fast) but this is his show. You are going to respect his wishes and if he wants to kill you with sex then so be it.

As he gets used to it he gets more daring, going up until just the head is inside him before he slams back down fast on you, and you’re considerably more fine with the new pace he’s got going. Once he’s got a rhythm going you can do nothing but thrust up underneath him to meet his hips as they come down, the motion sending jolts of pleasure through you both. Your hands alternate from clutching the sheets, caressing his belly, and thumbing the sensitive grub scars on his rib cage.

But eventually the fast pace and the pleasure are too much for him, and Karkat slows on top of you, panting heavily.

“Can’t. Do it. Anymore. Your turn.” He huffs. In seconds you have him underneath you and you’re finally going your own pace, thrusting quickly as you both race toward your ends. Karkat comes first, shouting your name loudly as he claws your lower back, probably making you bleed. You come soon after, hearing your name shouted in ecstasy having pushed you over the edge. You thrust into him a few more times before stilling completely, riding the after waves of your orgasm. The room is silent but for the sound of heavy breathing. Soon you pull out and lay beside him, pulling him against you.

“That was the best thank you _ever_.” You say.

“Don’t think you’re going to get this kind of thanks every time you try to buy my love with material goods.” He says as he snuggles into you.

“Damn, and I was just about to go out and buy you every Will Smith movie I could get my hands on.”

“You could do that anyway. Just don’t expect any type of reward.” He answers with a yawn. You stroke his hair.

“Sure sure. What my baby wants, my baby gets. Night Karkles.”

“G’night Dave.”

~*~

You wake suddenly. You’re aware of a vice-like grip on your upper arm, and when you open your eyes you’re face to face with a terrified Karkat.

“Karkat what’s wrong??” you ask, trying to quell the rough beating of your heart. It starts beating even faster when he utters the words,

“I think the baby is coming.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There you go. The full sex. Not some “enter during the middle of it” or “sloppy floor sex” scene. This is 3 whole pages of legit and detailed smut. You’re welcome.
> 
> And Karkat’s a tsunedere.
> 
> Yup.


	9. ==> GOD BLESS THE NARCOTICS

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It’s been so hooooottttt lately. I’ve had to nail blankets over all my windows because im pawr and can’t afford fancy curtains to block out the sun, which I assume has been switched with Alternia’s cuz I feel like I’m going to be burnt alive whenever I step outside.
> 
> Karkat’s POV.

==> GOD BLESS THE NARCOTICS

At first you had thought it was nothing. You chalked it up to the alfredo not settling well with your stomach, and promptly fell back asleep.

The second time you woke up was because of a throbbing pain in your lower back, like someone had punched you there and all that was left was the after-ache. You considered waking Dave to make him get you some ibuprofen, but your eyes were already closing and before you could do as much you were rolled over and asleep once again.

The third and final time you woke up with an intense pain in your abdomen that felt like a Charlie horse, only ten times worse. You curled in on yourself, gasping quietly through the pain until it faded, leaving you feeling fine but slightly off. With widening eyes you finally put the pieces together. These were some of the signs that the girls were warning you might happen. In a panic you grab Dave’s arm tightly.

“Dave. Dave wake up!”

He shifts and blearily opens his eyes.

“Karkat what’s wrong??” he asks looking worried.

“I think the baby is coming.”

“Shit, really?!” He yelps, jumping out of bed.

“YES REALLY.”

“Okay okay, alright. We have a plan, let’s do this. You’re gonna be fine.” He mutters as he throws on his clothes.

“This is so reassuring coming from the man with his pants on backwards.”

Dave looks down and realizes you’re right, his fingers fumbling around for a zipper that was currently on his ass.

“Haha woops.” You facepalm.

“No it’s cool, I’ve got everything under control. It’s cuz I just woke up.” He amends, putting his pants on the right way. You haul yourself out of bed to put on some clothes yourself.

“Well while you’re over there panicking the fuck out, I’ll call the hospital and tell them we’re com- AH!” you gasp and bend over holding your stomach, which feels like it’s just curled itself into a tight fist. Dave rushes over to you and sits you back down on the bed, saying soothing things and telling you to breathe until the pain passes nearly a minute later. Dave glances at the clock.

“Four A.M. Our baby _would_ be a pain in the ass and come extra early on a Saturday morning.”

“Just CALL the HOSPITAL.” You growl through your teeth. He jumps up and hurries to the phone while you dress, rubbing at the dull ache in your lower back.

“Okay I called and they’re assembling the team. I’ll run all of our shit out to the car, then come back for you.”

“I can walk to the car just fine.” You protest, marching down the hall. He follows you cautiously carrying two bags of luggage with ease. When you get to the car you almost hop into the passenger’s seat, but then reconsider and open the door to the back seat instead. The car is only a foot off the ground, but you know it’ll be a bitch to get up there.

“Come on babe, let me help you a little. That’s what I’m here for.” Dave says from behind you. You sigh.

“I’m sorry I’m being difficult okay? There are just too many unknown variables in this whole ordeal and I like being in control. I’m a _bit_ stressed right now.”

Dave doesn’t answer, just simply scoops you up and deposits you onto the back seat, taking care to buckle you in.

“Don’t worry Kitkat. Leave all the unknown variables to me ‘kay? You just relax.” He says, giving you a quick kiss on the forehead. Your lip trembles a bit, and you hope he doesn’t notice.

“Okay.” You whisper.

“Now let’s go have a baby!” He grins as he shuts your door and climbs into the driver’s seat.

~*~

On your way to the hospital you have two more contractions and Dave reaches back to hold your hand through both. You’re pretty sure you crushed his hand into sawdust during that last one.

After a nerve wracking ride, you finally make it to your destination: Forest Hills Hospital. When you climb out of the car a nurse offers you a wheelchair.

“No offense to Tavros, but I refuse to get in that thing.”

“Dude why? I would love to get my ass carted around for me.” Dave says coming up beside you.

“Because it’s degrading! I am not so weak that I have to resort to having my sorry carcass pushed around by others.” And that’s when a particularly harsh contraction makes you lean against your matesprit as it plows through you, leaving your knees shaking and your pride un-intact.

“Fuck it.” You say and plop down in the wheeled device. Dave just smirks and steers you through the automatic doors without a word.

You feel relieved when you finally reach the room you’ll be staying in. The room was quiet, the lights were low, and the curtains and bedside lamps made it feel like a hive. The best part was that you had it all to yourself. You’re glad that Dave had thought to pay extra for this luxury.

“Aboat time you bouys got here.” Says a familiar voice. You turn to see Feferi entering the room, awake and ready for battle.

“Thank fucking god you’re here. If I had to spend another five minutes with people who don’t know what they’re doing I was going to do a pirouette of the hospital bed railing.”

“Well you sound like you’re in top form. How are you eeling? I mean feeling?” Feferi corrects herself. The last time you visited she promised to try and make less fish puns when you were in the vicinity.

For the past couple of months Feferi has been a constant source of comfort for you. As a CNM, or certified nurse-midwife, she has been a perfect resource for you and Dave. With her experience in healing fellow sea creatures and her compassion for those more unfortunate than her, the former Witch of Life had become a great midwife after the game had ended. You and Feferi have never been all that close, but knowing that you have someone you’re familiar with instead of a complete stranger ogling your private parts is a huge relief.

“I’m feeling like a million boonbucks. Now can we get this show on the road?”

“Patience Crabby. These things take time! Now how far apart are your contractions?” She asks.

“Seven minutes last time I checked.” Dave answers.

“Good good. Now let’s get you changed into a gown and up on the bed, I want to sea how far you’re dilated.”

You groan but do as she says, not liking how airy your new outfit is in the back. Of course, that sentiment flies out the window when Feferi hikes up your gown and begins poking around your nether regions.

“I understand this is your profession Feferi, but for my sake could you at least _try_ and act like I have feelings and may be embarrassed? And Dave stop gawking there like a pervert and stand beside me. I would rather you _not_ loiter at an angle that gives you a free show.” Dave blushes slightly but moves to your side.

“It’s not like that dude and you know it. I was just curious. My baby’s comin’ out of there after all.” Now it’s your turn to blush.

“Whale it seems you’re coming along nicely.” Feferi interrupts. “Too bad the ultrasound wouldn’t work, what with troll skin being too thick to see anything. I’m curious what the little glubber looks like.”

“Well we’ll find out soon enough won’t we?” You growl as another wave of pain hits you.

~*~

You thought you had a high pain tolerance. You made it through the game with torn muscles and bleeding wounds. You were stabbed, sliced, pounded and cracked. Yet you would do all of that again if only to have a respite from the pain that was childbirth.

You spent most of the rest of the day crouched in weird spots around the room, trying to find a comfortable position. Unfortunately you discovered there _was_ no such thing as a comfortable position, as the pain was deep inside you and couldn’t be evaded by bending a certain way. Soon the few minutes you got to breathe between contractions got shorter, and you by correlation became more irritable. You snapped at Dave when he tried to help you up onto the bed, apologizing seconds later when you’d realized what you had done.

“S’okay babe, you can take a little nibble out of me if you want. I bet I taste awesome.” He says.

“God, can we break out the narcotics now? I feel like I’ll be able to deal with this asshole better if I have some drugs inside me.”

“I ordered the epidural like you asked. The anesthesiologist should be here soon.” Answers Feferi.

Twenty minutes after they shove the needle into your spine you start to feel pleasantly numb, and if he were still here you would give the anesthesiologist a fucking hug. You despise hugging. That’s how happy you are.

This is the moment Kanaya finally arrives, cheeks flushed jade and out of breath.

“Karkat! Oh good it has not come yet. I got the message during my lunch hour, but my boss would not let me leave until just now. I tried to get here as fast as I could!”

“Your boss sounds like a fucking asshole.” You pant. Kanaya gently wipes the hair from your sweaty forehead, and a surge of relief washes through you. You felt extra safe now with your matesprit and moirail both here.

“Alright, I think it’s time to start pushing!” exclaims Feferi. You’re annoyed with how chipper she sounds. Dave grasps your left hand while Kanaya takes the other.

“So should I start a countdown or something?” says Dave. You grit your teeth and start pushing hard. “Or whenever you feel like it. Right now is good.”

You alternate between pushing and catching your breath for the next couple of hours. Dave and Kanaya only jump back once when you let out a harsh growl during a particularly hard push. Soon they’re shouting encouragements above the loud noises you’re making. You don’t register half of what they’re saying, but it’s nice to know you’re not the only one making a ruckus.

You’re in the middle of taking a break, your mind hazy from exhaustion, when Feferi’s voice gets your attention.

“There’s a problem.”

“What do you mean there’s a problem??” says Dave.

“The grub is sideways. Pushing will do nothing; I’ve got to turn it back the right way before Karcrab can push it the rest of the way out.” Feferi explains.

“Well what are you doing wasting time explaining this to me? Just do it already!” You glance up lazily to look at Dave, who’s baring his teeth and glaring at Feferi. You think he looks like a right fine troll right about then.

“Alright Karkat, don’t start pushing again until I tell you got it?” she says. You nod in response.

You’re aware of Feferi moving the object inside of you, and you hiss in pain and grasp the hands in yours tightly. The instinct to push is strong, but you resist until she finally says,

“Got it! Now push Karkat!” and you do just that, pushing with one last burst of strength before you feel the object inside you finally come out, and you sag with relief. The pain is gone, but you feel like you’ve just fought an entire session's worth of denizens.

“Holy shit.” Dave says beside you, clearly in shock. You look down wearily to see the wiggler, but your gown is in the way.

“Congratulations, it’s a healthy egg!” exclaims Feferi, and lifts up a bright red egg for you to see.

“An egg…” you hear Dave mumble, but you are too transfixed to answer. At the sight of the red oval object something inside you clicks, and you want nothing more than to hold it. You reach your arms out tiredly towards Feferi, and she gladly deposits the cantaloupe sized egg into your hands.

It was warm, smooth to the touch, and slightly heavier than it looked. You waste no time in cradling in tight to your chest, sensing instinctively that it needs your warmth.

“It’s beautiful.” You whisper.

You spend you don’t know how long cooing and chirping over it before someone clears their throat beside you, and you look up to see Dave standing there awkwardly. He is the only one left in the room.

“Where’d everyone go?” You ask.

“Feferi went to go clean up, and Kanaya went out to tell the others the good news.” He says.

“The others?”

“Yeah, I messaged John when we got here and told him to round up the troops. Everyone’s waiting outside. Of course, we can make them wait for as long as we want.” He smirks.

“Nosy bastards. They can wait a few minutes.” You say, absentmindedly stroking the egg in your arms. You notice Dave watching. “Come here.”

“Me?”

“No, I was talking to the lamp behind you. Of course you, now get the fuck over here.”

He steps over and hesitantly sits down on the bed beside you.

“Now hold out your arms. And be _careful_. If there is so much as one scratch on it when I get it back I will sick the horrorterrors on you.” You say and gently place the egg in his large hands. He gazes at it with a mixture of awe and terror, and you try not to laugh at him for it. His hold is extremely gentle and tender, like he’s afraid it will break at the slightest touch.

“It’s not a hand grenade Dave. Here, hold it like this.” You say and position him so he’s cradling it in his arms.

“This is so weird, but definitely the most awesome thing ever.” He breathes out.

“So eloquent. Someone please, take that statement and slap it on a Hallmark card right the fuck now.” You remark. He chuckles, then leans in and kisses you quickly.

“You did great babe. You should get some shuteye.” He says, and you suddenly realize just how tired you are. You yawn loudly.

“It needs body temperature. But, troll body temperature. Let Kanaya hold it until I wake up.”

“How do you know that?” asks Dave confused.

“I just… do.” You shrug, already nodding off.

“Alright, Kanaya’s babysitting until you wake up.”

“Thank you.”

“Love you.”

“Flushed for you too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dey had a bebe!
> 
> Yup.


	10. ==> flippin birds like a chicken breast on a spatula

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay this is it guys, last chapter. Sorry I didn’t warn you in advance but, I just made up my mind about it lawl. There might be an epilogue, but that’s it. I’m starting a new story next so this arc is finished.
> 
> Striderrrrrrrr’s pov.

==> flippin birds like a chicken breast on a spatula

There was only one thing you could think of to describe Karkat over the next couple of weeks; mother hen.

Karkat had taken the entire month off from work, which left him plenty of free time to fuss, fret and yes even _chirp_ over the candy red egg. It was like all of his pent up motherly frustration had suddenly exploded and oozed all over everything in his vicinity. When he was not busy tending to the egg, he was usually either vigorously scrubbing the house to a sparkly finish, moving all the crap around in the nursery until he deemed it perfect, or fussing over you.

Unlike Karkat, you had few outlets to take away the edginess that the wait for the egg was causing. Cleaning wasn’t your thing, the nursery was organized all to hell at this point, and fuck if you were going to fuss over Karkat.

You do that shit covertly… when he’s not looking. And asleep.

So to ease some of your unease you had taken to regularly training on the roof each morning. You found the familiarity and the robotic repetition of your motions helped loosen the tension in your shoulders, and took your mind off of the red oval object that seemed to be consuming yours and Karkat’s thoughts lately.

You’re just stepping back inside after a late morning exercise, Karkat fretting and insisting he clean you up in the bath, when there’s a knock at the front door. You both exchange looks, wondering who it could be this time.

The visits over the last few weeks from your friends had been numerous since you’d gotten home from the hospital. Everyone wanted to admire and hold the egg, which Karkat wasn’t too happy about but he let them anyway. Throwing your sweat-soaked towel around your bare shoulders, you stride toward the door and open it, revealing a grinning John and Vriska.

“Oh, it’s just you two.”

“WILL YOU GO TAKE A BATH ALREADY!! NO ONE WANTS TO SEE YOUR UNSIGHTLY NAKED BODY.” Karkat says, turning you around and pushing you in the direction of the bathroom. You hear John and Vriska snorting together. The stupid dorks. They were perfect for each other.

Not wanting to leave an anxious Karkat alone to entertain guests, you make your shower speedy. You throw on some shorts and a tank top and head out to the dining room, where Karkat, John and Vriska are having a heated debate about some lame romcom that just came out.

“It was an abomination. A literal giant shit stain to the name of good romcoms everywhere. I wouldn’t even deign to wipe my waste chute with the script of that movie. The dialogue alone would be enough to transfer a thinkpan rotting disease through contact with my skin.” Says Karkat.

“Well whether or not the conversations were dumb, I enjoyed it anyway. My favorite part was when the girl went crazy on the guy’s ass and attacked him.” Vriska chuckles.

“Don’t believe a word he says Serket. Karkles was bawling like a Miss America runner up by the end of that movie.” You say in greeting and open the fridge for some AJ.

“That was due to sheer horror and the horrible acting skills assaulting my ocular orbs.” He retaliates. You go to stand next to him and notice he’s got the egg in his lap bundled up in a blanket. As you watch he turns it, probably to keep the heat distributed.

“I still can’t believe you guys are going to be parents! Aren’t you nervous for when the egg will hatch?” questions John, eyeing the egg curiously.

“No, I _like_ sitting around and waiting with my thumb up my waste chute. Of course we are. This thing could hatch at any second.” Says Karkat.

“Can I hold it?” asks Vriska.

There is suddenly a palpable tension in the room. You can tell Karkat is uncomfortable with the idea, and notice his grip around the egg tighten slightly. Vriska sighs.

“I know we have bad history between us, and I realize you probably still hate me. But I promise I’ve changed! To be honest this stupid peace loving planet has rubbed off on me a little. Notice all of our friends are alive again and, would you look at that, I haven’t killed and/or maimed any of them! I have nothing to gain from crushing your egg. If anything it would just make a mess and I’d have to clean it up.” Vriska finishes. John looks close to facepalming.

“What Vriska is _trying_ to say is that she’ll be super ultra-careful with it, because we’re all friends here and there’s nothing to worry about.” John amends. Karkat wavers for another few seconds, glancing up at you for confirmation. You nod, not having sensed that she was lying. Besides, you could always flashstep and stop her before she so much as nicked the surface of your egg.

With hesitation written all over his face Karkat lifts the bundle and offers it up to Vriska, who gingerly takes it and places it snugly into her own lap, where she stares at it with wide eyes.

“To be honest, there’s kind of a reason we came to visit you guys today.” John says. Vriska makes a chirping sound, then puts a hand over her mouth with a mighty blush. John smiles at her fondly. “Wanna tell them? Or do you want me to do it??”

“Tell us what?” You ask.

“Well, I’m pregnant!” declares Vriska.

It’s at times like these you’re glad you have Karkat around. He shows enough emotion at the news for the both of you, so you just sit back keeping your coolkid façade perfectly intact while he splutters and gawks at the pair like an idiot.

“WHAT!? HOW DID THIS HAPPEN??!”

“Oh, I know the answer to that one.” You wink at John, who smirks and leans over the table to give you a testosterone filled fist bump.

“God why do I even bother asking,” grumbles Karkat in annoyance. “I assume you guys came here for advice then?”

“I mean, you don’t have to help us if you really don’t want to.” Says Vriska while caressing the top of the egg, occasionally letting out tiny chirps which she tries to hide. Karkat’s face gets considerably softer when he looks at her this time, and you can see his resolve crumbling. He stands and crosses his arms.

“Get this straight; I still don’t trust you one hundred percent. You still get on my nerves. And your personality is still kind of shitty.” Karkat says. She frowns. “But I’m willing to overlook your personal flaws and have some faith in you, because god knows I’m retarded and this will probably come back later to bite me in the ass.”

Vriska and John exchange beaming grins of victory.

“Now let’s go in the relaxation chamber and I’ll explain everything. I don’t want to be anywhere near those two when they start recounting their pathetic sexual escapades.” Says Karkat who leads a giggling Vriska into the living room. Once they’re gone you turn to John.

“Wanna tell me about your pathetic sexual escapade.”

“Hell yeah.”

~*~

It doesn’t happen until a couple of days later, about a month after Karkat gave birth at the hospital. You and he have just gotten home from the movies (which was a horrible idea, he acted like a crack addict gone cold turkey because god forbid you separate him from the egg for a couple hours) and Kanaya has just relinquished her baby sitting moirail duties. You’re both lounging in bed, preparing to go to sleep when you hear it.

_Crack._

You stop brushing your teeth and lift your foot, convinced you just stepped on something and broke it. When you realize your feet haven’t crushed anything you glance over at Karkat, who looks like he’s in a trance.

“Earth to Karkat, did you break something just barely?” you ask, words half garbled from toothpaste.

“It’s happening.” He says hazily.

“What’s happening?”

“Spit the shit in your mouth out, then get the fuck over here and witness your child being born.” He says calmly.

You may or may not have dribbled toothpaste all over your shirt in shock.

You swallow most of it in your rush to get back to the bedroom, where you throw yourself onto the bed and kneel beside Karkat. He’s spread the blanket and set the egg on top, where it starts to wobble as the baby moves around inside. Upon closer inspection you see a hairline crack splitting the shell, and as you watch it only becomes more obvious; a streak of white marring the blood red surface.

“Come on little man, you can do it.” You find yourself encouraging. Karkat’s got your forearm in a death grip as he watches the shell begin to split, the cracks spreading like webbing across the glassy expanse. You suck in a breath when a chunk of shell finally breaks loose, revealing a tiny grey fist.

“It’s got grey skin. And hands.” You whisper. Karkat’s still speechless, but his grip somehow becomes even stronger. The egg keeps rocking, and as you watch more pieces start falling off and you spy a hand, a tuft of white hair, a nose. Then Karkat’s surging forward, moving pieces of shell out of the way until the baby finally breaks free and is safely in his arms, making a strange hiccupping noise into his chest.

Now it’s your turn to be speechless as you watch Karkat cradle the tiny infant to his chest, crooning and purring deep in his throat.

The baby is so small it looks premature. It probably _would_ be considered a preemie if it wasn’t so obviously not entirely human. It’s skin-

No.

 _Her_ skin was a light shade of grey, considerably lighter than Karkat’s. You could make out tiny candy corn horns peeking out from the damp locks of her black and white hair. Tiny hands fisted into the fabric of Karkat’s shirt, displaying little blunt claws.

“She’s got your horns.” Is all you can think to say.

“She’s got your human anatomy.” Says Karkat.

“She’s kinda got a mix of both our skin and hair.”

“Well she’s got your eyes,” he says and hands the baby over, who opens bright red eyes to gaze up at you when you take her. She’s still making that hiccupping sound. You let her cling to your shirt and feel as her nubby claws tickle your skin. Your chest feels like it’s going to explode from the _pride_ you feel at having brought this beautiful little being into the world.

As her hair begins to dry it starts to look fuzzy, and you take a hand and gently stroke it. The hiccupping intensifies.

“What’s that noise she’s making?” You ask Karkat, who gestures for you to hand her back.

“I’m pretty sure she’s trying to either purr or chirp, or both. But since her vocal chords are half human she can’t make the noise right.” He laughs, and you burn the image of his joyful smile into your memory.

“What are we going to call her?” You say, lifting a pinkie for her tiny fist to curl around.

“Since she’s half troll, I deem we give her a six letter name. Any proper troll has one.”

“Alright then, what about Romona. Or Ursala. Or Moesha, Leslie, Joline, Deidra-“ You’re cut off by a finger over your lips.

“Those are all atrocious names. Give me a minute to think.”

In the silence all you can hear is the deep rumble coming from Karkat’s chest, and the baby starts to nod off.

“What about Sienna?” he suggests. “In alternian it means “reddish-orange.””

“Huh. Red and orange, I like that.” You say and wrap your arm around them both. You can feel the vibrations of Karkat’s purring against your side, and hear the soft noises Sienna is making in his arms, and you know right then there is nowhere else you’d rather be.

“Welcome to our strange family Sienna.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I could not. For the life of me. Decide on a name. Giving things the right name is so hard.
> 
> Thank you for all of the kudos and comments everyone! I almost suffocated under all of the praise, encouragement and love you guys were sending me :3 Be sure to stay tuned for more davekat stories from me!
> 
> Yup!


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